Databases and Dragons

A Poem of Systems and Scales

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In the realm where spreadsheets meet with fire,
Where dragons hoard both gold and data dire,
A tale unfolds of Asset_IDs gone wrong,
Of compensation systems far too long.

The Dragon's Dilemma

Great Smaug the Magnificent, ancient and wise,
Awoke to find auditors before his eyes.
"Your treasure must be catalogued," they said,
"Each coin and gem from tail to head."

So scribes came forth with tablets bright,
Recording gold from morn till night:
HOARD_SMAUG_001_GOLD_COIN_GPS_LONELY_MOUNTAIN_ANCIENT_001,
HOARD_SMAUG_001_EMERALD_LARGE_GPS_LONELY_MOUNTAIN_PRICELESS_002...

The Asset_IDs grew ever more complex,
While Smaug just sat there, rather perplexed.
"Why not just call them 'my shiny things'?"
He roared at clerks and their ID strings.

The Guild's Great Folly

The Adventurers' Guild, so proud and neat,
Built databases that couldn't meet:
One tracked the quests, one tracked the loot,
One tracked the heroes (brave and mute).

When brave Sir Galahad slayed a beast,
His reward got lost—decreased, at least—
Between the Quest Completion Database
And the Loot Distribution Interface.

"Sorry," said clerks with downcast eyes,
"Your dragon kill can't synchronize.
The Beast Registry shows no such creature,
Though we have photos of each feature."

The Wizard's Woe

Professor Gandalf, beard so grey,
Lost all his spells in one dark day.
The Magical Asset Management System
Had a bug that none could christen.

His FireBall_Level9_GPS_Tower_Coordinates_Legendary_Ancient_Original
Was somehow linked to a potion journal,
While Healing_Spell_Basic_Newbie_Tower_GPS_Recent_Updated
Got permanently database-eluted.

"I've been doing magic for centuries untold,
But your system makes me feel quite old.
Can't you just ask, 'What spells do you know?'
Instead of this ID overflow?"

The Compensation Trail (Fantasy Edition)

When dragons razed the village down,
The Database Authority came to town.
"We'll compensate for every loss,
With systems streamlined across the board!"

But buildings burned were catalogued as "Structures_Residential_Destroyed,"
While the Dragon Damage Database said they were "Null and Void."
The Village Rebuild Compensation System
Couldn't find them—what a schism!

Poor Farmer John, his house was gone,
But in the system carried on
As Structure_Village_GPS_Here_Burnt_Dragon_Fire_Tragic_001—
A code so long it hurt everyone.

Meanwhile, Ghost Villager "Fake McFakerson"
Claimed damage for a non-existent person,
Got paid in gold while real folks waited
For systems to be coordinated.

The Dragon's Solution

Old Smaug had heard enough of this tale,
Of systems broken, bound to fail.
He rose up high with fiery breath
And scared the database clerks to death.

"ENOUGH!" he roared with flame so bright,
"Your Asset_IDs are pure spite!
I'll show you how to track things right—
With claws and fire and dragon sight!"

He built a ledger, simple, clean:
The clearest system ever seen.
Column One: "What thing is this?"
Column Two: "Whose treasure? His!"
Column Three: "How much it's worth?"
Column Four: "Location on Earth."

No GPS coordinates thirty letters long,
No concatenated ID strings gone wrong,
Just simple facts that all could read—
The kind of system people need.

The Moral of Our Tale

So when you build your databases grand,
Remember Smaug's wisdom, understand:
The fanciest system ever made
Is useless if it can't be paid—
I mean, if people can't relate
To Asset_IDs that obfuscate.

Keep it simple, keep it clear,
Make unique IDs people don't fear.
For whether tracking gold or grain,
Complex systems cause complex pain.

And if your database gets too clever,
Too tangled to untie forever,
Just call a dragon, big and old—
They'll simplify your systems bold!

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In memory of all the Asset_IDs that led nowhere,
And in honor of dragons who keep things fair.

THE END

"Different kind of inheritance indeed—
From database pain to dragon deed!"